So....new years...awkward

So excuse my typos because im on my phone. So i go to 30 year old's house with my brother and his girlfriend. my cousin is there already. i only came to be a bitch. i want to make her think we can hang out and be nice but i dont forgive her. i did see my friend from missouri yesterday. he was tickling me a lot. So its new years. and at this guys house with them and its awkward. im only here because im trying to act innocent and be like "hi...im here so you cant ditch me to fuck him! BITCH!" but i felt left out. get the fuck away bitch. i dont and never will like you. now they are making out in the kitchen. fuk you. oh i love my brother. he turned on that stupid whoe song xD im going to go cut my arms when i get home. why? for wasting my life on her.


dont need fucking friends nor family
i walk alone
roki

Goodbye

I never want to see my cousin/supposed best friend's face again.  she attacks me at our family get together because she is mad that im mad at her. bitch ran off to her car calling me "cold heartless bitch that will die alone." i'd rather die alone and be true to myself and not ditch or hurt my friends than fuck a guy 12 years older than me and lose all my friends. i hope she forgets my face and forgets my name for im never talking to her again. next time i see her, i'll punch her in her bitch mouth. im also trying to find a way to talk to my friend's friend. he is friends with the boy and i want to get to know this boy more. he seems a lot like me.
i dont know about life...i just want to punch my hand through a wall. ps: got up to 50 cuts into my arm for being weak and stupid. i let them bring me down. so i put 50 cuts into my arms. no one notices. i want to tell my brother but i feel like he will tell or he wont understand. i want someone to tell but who can i trust with my secrete? shouldd i tell him?
please tell me
roki

Catch up....

Wow, that last post from may? me and the boy talked a lot in june. we would talk everyday for at least 2 hours. he would tell me sweet dreams and that i was cool. he found me at warped tour just to hug me and say hi. i was getting the guts to tell him how i felt until the horrible post came that he found a girlfriend. i was crushed but sucked it up. now we dont talk at all execpt every now and then when a rave comes up. another thing i do now. i dance and with others but not like that. i dont dance on them like that. he come to be a friend and i hope to see him more but i dont want him to miss take me wanti g to hang out with him with me in love with him. see, my friends all told him i liked him. so im careful with what i say or do around him. I still dont drink nor smoke. i wont do that. i cry so much while im by myself at night though. i know. it only makes me weak and dumb. my friend/cousin went off to ku. my dad kicked me out of the house multiple times. my cousin became enimies with her roomate/old best friend. they made up just a few weeks ago. i fight people now. my older brother shows a little more respect now that ive proven i can fight and im not all talk. im still cutting. at warped tour, my friend pointed out the cuts. i easily lied telling him "i have nothing to be sad about with all my friends." he believed it. as did all the others. now that its cold. i can hide under a hoodie and never be caught. my cousin. left me at a rave to go fuck a 30yr oldshes only 18. im not talking to her at all now. and she let my younger brother come drunk.  so he ended up making me and the boy feel awkward because my brother told the boy(who has a girlfriend) i like him a lot. and almost got us kicked out because they were disrespecting others. so im not talking to my brother either. so thats two bffs gone. then i find out my best friend of 14 years is leaving me in kansas to go live in Louisiana. Ive cried so much the last cew days but i would never tell her that. she is happy to be going, so being a good friend, im pretending to be happy. the third best friend gone. im left with no one this year. nothing but these scars on my arms and a list of people i dont trust. did i mention that my parents are back to fighting again. im in this war zone now with out a support group. my grandma cant remember the old days or that she was my only support group left. and now im left with no one. i lie to keep others out of my business and i distance myself from others. how can i trust anyone when ive had friends like my brother and cousin. both their second time doing that. i hope she is happy with that boy since she lost me. i dont have much left in me to keep pushing but im too much of a coward to die. i think i may have mmessed things up with a boy from hot topic. he seems to like me too but he has a girlfriend im pretty sure is what i heard him tell his friend. i only see him at college and at hot topic. we dont have each others name nor phone number. oh well....im off to bed. sorry for typos im on my phone.
i hope you have a good day though and smile for me, since i cant right now
Roki~

Again, falling

Im having those thoughts often again. They are a little different though. Instead of not telling anyone anything and just dieing, I now picture that I would like to send the boy a message on facebook telling him I like him, then go die. I wouldnt tell him I plan to die but just that I fancy him. Seven slices on my arm for that. Ten more because my older brother said I would be fat this time next year. Three more for the stuff I ate today. One more because Im starving and my parents wont go to the store. Three more because I hate myself for being weak. Another three for the fucking tears that are falling. One more for the hate I feel towards others. A pause in the process because my parents walked in. I wait and absorb the pain that isnt pain but feels good. I cant explain it. I will take this pause to reflect on what my best friends would say if I could tell them. If I had the guts to tell them what I do and the extent of covering my wounds. How the self treatment quit working. How the self respect crumbled under the blade and blood. How I cry out for help but only for it to come out mute and with no voice. How Ive given in to the battle and let the world beat me so low, I cant return. I starve myself when Im angry, and if I give in to the pain of hunger, I lose that much more self respect. All I want is for someone to tell me its okay or at least listen to me if not for a minute. Another four cuts for finding out my parents ditch my brothers soccer game and went to eat while, they texted me to say we will eat when they get home. Another tear because Im weak. Another excuss that the dog jumped on me and made those marks. Im so done with life. Im still here to see if I am a coward or if Im brave and will talk to him. When I go, buiry me in my black dress. Thats my only request. hiding Roki

The story of a star gazer

There once was a girl nicknamed a lot of things most new her by Rose or Roki. She tried for most of her life to fill the shoes others placed before her. One day, she got tired of trying to fill these shoes. What did she do? Cut her arms up to get rid of the pain. This filled the void she felt. So, she had a job and crushed on a boy. One day, she accidentally messaged this boy. He messaged back but stopped talking to her. He like a few odd pages that she liked as well like tv shows and unknown artists. She then runs into the boy at the mall. She and her friend's sister run from the book store while bff goes to talk to them. Roki doesnt have make-up on so she ran with the friends sister and the boy with his friend quickly fallow. Roki doesnt know why but just wants to get away quickly. the friend of the boy knows the friends sister, so they have to stop and talk to th as hey call after the sister. No, Roki doesnt talk to the boy as much as she wanted to nor does she get the guy like in the movies. She still has hope is keeping her alive. Her dad still insists she gets two jobs and goes to school full time..... still alive Roki~

Raise Your Weapon

Hey, its been a while huh? Things are getting even rougher. my older brother broke my computer when he was having another fit yesterday, leaving me fucked for finals. My dad is taking his side of course. I will have to buy myself a new laptop now since i cant get through school without it. Can i die now? Can i go to the park and just hang myself or drive my car into the lake and let the water take me? I have had it in the front of my mind a lot recently. Fucking hate life undead Roki~

A New Hope?

I wrote a pretty uninspiring post a few days ago but I have decided to try to keep living. Last wednseday, I accidentally messaged the crush I. The message was just the letter v but he replied almost four days later with w and so then there were a few messages keeping up with the game leaving at z sent by me. its been about four days and no sadly he hasnt replied back. he always talks of this girl in his status before and i cant help but want to be the girl but I think he was just being nice and replying. he did like a bunch of pages i liked in that day but who is it to say that the girl he likes has the same interests, right? boys are comlicated ~confused Roki~

Going or be gone

its official i want to die. i have very little to keep me going. i have hit rock bottom in my mind. its shutting off and telling me to give it up. everyone around me says to give up and so i want to give up on the last thing there is to give up. i want to give up life. i only "casting down" my so called best friend when so called friend ditches me for a boy. i dont want life abymore so i am giving it up. i wish i could only give it to someone who didnt want to give up life. i guess that is organ donating but it still doesnt seem the same. i have tried everything to be happy and still acting is all i get. i am very tired of acting and worn out. i dont want others wasting their time on me and i dont want to take their time. i just want to give up life. i wouldnt hurt anymore or have to feel like i have to do this or this "friend" will be mad. i wouldnt be worn out. i would have to talk. i would have to do anyghing. i would just lay there. asleep forever, maybe lost in dreams. i love to dream. i like to wake up and lay in bed just wondering how normal things could be if i wasnt willing to give up. how i would meet someone and get married or how i would make that trip to japan. but now, none of that seems even remotely important. its just thoughts and just not going to happen, which im ok with but the area around me is distorting my thoughts so i dont care to ever see any of that anymore. i just want enternal sleep. i just want this pain i feel gone. its hard to imagen that away and that hardly anyone feels this pain on a daily base. and i guess after finding that out, it only made it hurt more. theres no help for me and i highly doubt there is a legal drug to make me feel numb to the world for that would be a gift. but for now i will figure out my short future for college gradulation is not something i feel i will waste the short months coming.

i know i said i wouldnt leave but i changed my mind and i will leave.

sorry for taking your time but you can have mine

~roki~

i will up date soon on my decsion but i think its clear

Silently I Wait~~

My friend fails to tell me that this show we are going to on wed night...well she is going with this boy and knew this a few months ago but didn't tell me. she acted as if i was invited, so i took it as i was...until now.....i'm sorry for assuming bud.....but I would have apperciated it if you would have told me a few months ago so i could have found some people to go with me......you know since i'm still going but now by myself. *sigh* maybe i will try going out on my own. just me. meet new people!...maybe.......just maybe............i'm not mad at her, but i'm upset i'm going by myself now

never alone

just single...

Roki

"I drink down the poision and I pass the. Fuck. Out~~"
PTV <3

rule one: dont believe anyones promises
rule two: everyone WILL leave you. face it now so u dont feel too bad later. embrace solitude.

Talk won't work this out, I don't need to share, I just need to scream

I can't take it. She acts like "poor me." but you go and pull this fucking shit! Its not poor me if you do pot when you use to be my straight edge buddy. What happen to your love of Gerard like I have, and your consious would be "What would Davey(A.F.I.) say if i were to do drugs or drink. god, he would be disappointed." Where did that go? It went down a drain for a fucking boy? Really? And you throw me, your best friend who had been there for you since we were fucking kids.you throw our promise to never leave each other on this earth alone. WE HAVE A FUCKING PACK TO NEVER KILL OURSELVES AND LEAVE ONE ALL ALONE TO DEAL WITH THE WORLD BUT YOU ARE READY TO GIVE IT ALL AWAY FOR ONE FUCKING BOY AND WEED!
....
Then the friendship i thought we had is an illusion...I believed so dearly and close to my heart that you would never throw me to the side like a rag doll like others have done but you are no different. You are willing to leave me just like my mom left me, just as my brother left me, and just as all the others.
Maybe i'm not meant to be with people...i knew the weed would change you but I hoped so much I wouldn't lose you as I am losing my grandma, our grandma, but its just like when the alzheimer's kicked in, my grandmother began to change, she didn't act like herself and now the weed has become your alzheimer's. you don't believe it messes with your thinking but my friend told me how he couldn't reason straight on that shit.

YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND!

I'll never tell you how I have my life writen on my arm in red scars when you think that your life is so pathetic and so sad. You didn't have to grow up at age 16 to be an adult because your mother couldn't! you never had it hard. i know because i protected you from the world all these years. and this is how you repay me. telling me everything i thought was, no--what i made into a religion, is dumb and that you don't even remember our promise. the one i held onto when I was in my darkest day. I deal with you and depression along with anxeity while you deal with not getting this one guy who you won't ask out so you don't know if you have a chance or not even! I've lost everything with you. You were my concert buddy, my rock, my comic buddy, my anime buddy, my shopping buddy.
You were my partner in crime.
You where going to move in with me but now I question my friendship with you at all.
It hurts, alot, thanks for asking buddy~

~A very hurt and broken Roki~


Listening to: Scream If You're Crazy By D.R.U.G.S.

For The MAD Family

^-^

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