Stuck in hell vacation till Monday

Soo, pretty much, my fucking family is well mother fuckers and i'm stuck with them till Monday when my flight leaves. Even then I'm still traveling with my fuck up older brother back home. I'm having fucking spazzes since I can't cut myself. I am wanting to drink their drinks that have the liquor in it to maybe see if that will help but I have that stupid internal conflict like "No don't do it! you are straight edge!" and then there is the other side like "Fuck that shit, you are going to kill yourself or your older brother if you don't find something to take the pain." and then there is the fucking touch my crap! LEAVE MY STUFF ALONE! My mom lost my purple bvb bracelet and i looked everywhere for it too. I just about started tearing the condo up. And So I messaged my bff on facebook and put assholes in the message and my older brother seen it and OH SHIT! like i fucking care. I can't keep this act up. I have dropped the act! what you see is me! I am a fucking mess! No, i only dropped one of the walls. the whole killing myself, and seeing how i can do it where ever i go is not known to the public. But i have said wtf to my dad and older brother freaking out that i am on the computer when we are here in Florida. I don't like my family so I don't want to spend time with you. Get that through your fucking head. Do i need to spell it out or was the not listening to what you are say get the message quite clear? they are such a bag of stupid shit. you could tell them the sky is purple and they will believe it (well, you could tell my little brother that the stars are moving when they are not...) I'm thinking of experimenting with knifes tonight. Just hide it under my shirt and then go into the bathroom for a while. lock the doors. I think that will help take some of this crap off. if not that knife will have to find its way to the ocean cuz I considered hitting my older brother over the head with a beer bottle already. See, let me put this picture into view. My older brother and I can't be in the same room. Well, see sunday is when I seen him again since 2 days and i only been with him for an hour and I was ready to kill him. He was already messing with me. I mean fuck you if you got nothing else to do but fucking mess and pick on your younger sister who is mentally unstable (well, he doesn't know I am) I mean fuck him and his man whore-ness. (yeah that's a word now. look it up, you will see my brother's face) I did web cam chat with my bff last night. we are utter dorks but that's not too bad. I wonder what my friends would say if they knew i cut? or the thoughts in my head. I don't know. I know I said I wasn't going to end my life soon, but those thoughts come up alot not. I hardly sleep, let alone dream, and when I do dream, it ends with me dying but I wake up before I die or hit the pavement.

It's just really hard to pretend I'm happy when I clearly am not.

I wish there was a savior

Roki~~~ .......

Vacation from hell more tonight

Crashing, crashing, crashing....

I feel the weight of acting happy all the time now eroding away my body. I don't know how long it will be before I crash and burn into my emotions that I hide and run from. I was having fun today and being truly happy with my two friends but towards the end of the day, that same pain of going home hit me again. I felt bad and didn't want to leave but once that feeling came, I just wanted to be by myself. I went back to acting again. I acted happy. I don't know why I feel so unhappy. I want to be happy but it's not something you can turn off. I run on the treadmill to try to work of some of that unhappiness but I think it damages my little frame even more. I eat maybe one meal a day anyway...Where is my savior? Where is the person I can be honest too that won't judge me no matter what I do? As of now, I have no Savior and I don't believe in a God. I have myself. Maybe that's all I need right now. Just me. I think I will try to just relax for the rest of the night after I'm done with all my work around the house. I guess. Reality is too much for me I guess. I will play Bulletproof Roulette like I have since 4 years ago. Maybe some day, this game will end

As I whine

So I was writing a few weeks ago how I have been hurting my self. Well, some light came a week ago. I won the seremedy contest they were having. I didn't put anything about my self harm or how crappy my life was. I simply put how I found seremedy and what they mean to me. It was only about a paragraph but I pretty much wrote it like I was righting to my friend. Just honest and cheerful (I don't let my friends know I am in depression and I'm not going to write stuff like that in a note to a band just to win. It would be pitiful, I'm higher than that.) I know I seen a comment from a fan page that wanted to see what I wrote but really, i don't care if they post it or not. It was a good 18th birthday present. I am waiting for it to arrive...I hope they don't mind that they had to send it all the way over here to the U.S.A......I mean I said i was from the U.S. on the note so. yeah...It made me happy to see they chose me but it is not enough to pull me out of this depression. It's worst. I HAVE to cut my arm everyday or I feel like I will die. I haven't cut in a week though because my little brother spotted it and so I said the dog's claws got my arm. everyone believed it but I will be going to Florida (leaving Saturday) so I have to have a cut free arm or people will figure it out and off to the mental hospital is where they will want to send me but I know my friends won't let them send me, even if I was cutting. right? I'm not crazy, i'm just not feeling well. My brother doesn't know I am atheist xD and he was like questioning my belief in God jokingly XD I thought it was funny. Well, bye for now. Like I said. I'm alive just unwell. and fighting the urge to cut my arm again...

Ps: anyone got the new black veil brides cd set the world on fire? It super good. I got the Andy poster and my friend got the Jinxx poster which by the way Congrads Jinxx on your engagement! ^-^ i wish you a happy long marriage!

The Preacher has become the Hippocratic

I tell others that I never look at death as an option when I am upset. It was a lie. I told them I have never hurt myself. Its a lie and now, that girl, who smiles and acts cheerful all the time is showing her true colors but no one will see them because this girl chooses to let everyone see that cheerful side. I have come to realize, I'm a big lair but I don't want people to worry. I guess its my dark secrete, so blogger world, i'm sharing this with you. I never have even told my best and closest friend who I talk to every day. She would be sad if she knew I have hurt myself before and there is a faint scare on my arm that i cover with band rubber bands. I now have done it again, very faintly on my left arm with some scissors. Its not that I hate myself, its that I can't get over this feeling of hurting someone else because they are hurting me. It helps me feel better, now i just sound crazy huh? All the people I look up to would be disappointed at me as well. I am just being a hippocratic and what is funny is I hate hippocratic people. I guess, I just can't be myself if I'm stuck in this shit whole called my house. I just told my friend that I was seeing some early signs of depression in me but I didn't tell her i started seeing those signs last november...It would hurt her too much if I told her the truth I think. Great, I now sound like a little emo kid. I can assure you I look nothing of a little emo kid (Emo kids are my friends ^-^ so don't be shy, say hi!) I don't know really...I guess, I'm just.....I have thought about what people's lives would be like if I were to die, and I see them as being way better off. My parents would have more money, they wouldn't pay for part of my college, they wouldn't have to feed me or take care of me, one less person to pay for at the theme parks and when we go out to eat. I think its funny that no one around me knows any of this but yet the whole world can see it and not know this is me. So work 40 hours a week or do all the work my mom does (cook, cleaning, etc. what I do now) I don't have the answer to life and Im not perfect. If anything I'm a smiling mask here to help others. but for now, i'm that girl who you find out "oh wow, she hurts herself? really? no way. not her" It will stay a secrete till the day I die. which will not bee soon. I will keep fighting this, and will have my break downs but I think i can get through this without telling my parents or close friend all of what i think of.

So long

and good night

because

each line drawn is another story

each line is connected in someway to form a picture

each picture is an old memory

I just have to find my story in the mess of lines i have created

Or be destroyed in the making. I don't believe in a God, but that doesn't mean he isn't out there.

~Roki~ xxxxxxxxx