A New Hope?

I wrote a pretty uninspiring post a few days ago but I have decided to try to keep living. Last wednseday, I accidentally messaged the crush I. The message was just the letter v but he replied almost four days later with w and so then there were a few messages keeping up with the game leaving at z sent by me. its been about four days and no sadly he hasnt replied back. he always talks of this girl in his status before and i cant help but want to be the girl but I think he was just being nice and replying. he did like a bunch of pages i liked in that day but who is it to say that the girl he likes has the same interests, right? boys are comlicated ~confused Roki~

Going or be gone

its official i want to die. i have very little to keep me going. i have hit rock bottom in my mind. its shutting off and telling me to give it up. everyone around me says to give up and so i want to give up on the last thing there is to give up. i want to give up life. i only "casting down" my so called best friend when so called friend ditches me for a boy. i dont want life abymore so i am giving it up. i wish i could only give it to someone who didnt want to give up life. i guess that is organ donating but it still doesnt seem the same. i have tried everything to be happy and still acting is all i get. i am very tired of acting and worn out. i dont want others wasting their time on me and i dont want to take their time. i just want to give up life. i wouldnt hurt anymore or have to feel like i have to do this or this "friend" will be mad. i wouldnt be worn out. i would have to talk. i would have to do anyghing. i would just lay there. asleep forever, maybe lost in dreams. i love to dream. i like to wake up and lay in bed just wondering how normal things could be if i wasnt willing to give up. how i would meet someone and get married or how i would make that trip to japan. but now, none of that seems even remotely important. its just thoughts and just not going to happen, which im ok with but the area around me is distorting my thoughts so i dont care to ever see any of that anymore. i just want enternal sleep. i just want this pain i feel gone. its hard to imagen that away and that hardly anyone feels this pain on a daily base. and i guess after finding that out, it only made it hurt more. theres no help for me and i highly doubt there is a legal drug to make me feel numb to the world for that would be a gift. but for now i will figure out my short future for college gradulation is not something i feel i will waste the short months coming.

i know i said i wouldnt leave but i changed my mind and i will leave.

sorry for taking your time but you can have mine

~roki~

i will up date soon on my decsion but i think its clear