Best Night I've Had In A While

I'm going to start posting the song of the post. This time is will be one that I just got stuck in my head before I started to write this post. Here is The Used Taste Of Ink.(All rights to the artist).

So, I had to come to terms with my feelings. In my little world, we call it coming to terms with all the feels. There is a lot of back story. Let me start with the back story. I went to Global Dance Festival Frost with my friend, we will call her Rainbow. Rainbow is a very, uh, social person? I think the only reason she goes to these raves is to trade kandi. Not lying. It is her point to trade all her kandi at the end of the night. She would leave me just to go trade. Okay, so if you are not familiar with the rave scene, I put a picture of kandi back at the first kandi. It is made to be traded but you do not have to trade all or at all at every freaking rave. You are to trade it with people you met to show friendship and other reasons to trade it. You can look it up if you want but that is the main point. It is so that the ravers you met remember you not "LET'S SEE HOW MUCH KANDI I CAN GET!" (wrong reason=poser kid=I cannot stand poser kids). Back to the story, sorry. So we go to frost to meet up with the boy. We meet up with him and he finally dumped his girl friend just the day before. And he even says at the rave "Hey, since I'm single now, can I get a hug?" Which I was more than happy to give but he gave me hugs before when he was not single...so? What's up with that? (he also gave my friend a hug. He likes to give hugs. It's a raver thing, I think. he was talking directly to me when he said that though). And so, we finally get to go into the main stage area to dance after meeting some other people. So we go and he was being silly. He was standing behind me and I was not much into the act so I was just bobbing around. He took my hands and started waving them in the air. It made me laugh. Then we went to find the people that we had just met. So we wonder down and he is once again behind me. And I am watching the light show while he was gloving (photo to show you). He then comes up from behind me and grabs my shoulders and makes me sway (kind of sway, but not like he was hurting me or making me fall) because I was not dancing enough for him. He makes me laugh. So then, he tells me he is going to go wonder, so I figured he did not want me and my friend tagging along so I let him go. Then Rainbow says she has to go make a phone call and I did not see her again until an hour later. I went to the middle of the crowd danced by myself (which I did have fun). I get a text message from Rainbow that she is trying to find me. So I move back to the wall. I run into the boy and he happily wants to spend time with me and I stilled tried to find my friend but stayed with him. A guy pushed pass me and the boy grabbed my hand and pulled me to the other side of him so I was not in the way and to be honest I did not want to let go. So I just let him hold my hand but then Rainbow found us. He only held my hand for about a minute, sadly. So we all started dancing and having fun. Rainbow ran off again. So me and the boy danced for quite some time with the exception that people would ask him to give them a light show but he would come right back and I noticed a few times he was watching me from where he was. He then told me he was going to be right back. He comes back very shortly and Rainbow follows him. They both have water. The boy happily offers me a drink but I told him I was fine. Rainbow kind of talked a lot and obsessed over Deadmau5 when...he...wasn't...even...there...I do not know...Oh Rainbow...Back to story. We all danced again and soon Rainbow left again, which, I do not have a problem with. She was kind of blocking me from dancing with the boy anyway. Suddenly confetti started to rain from the sky! So I took a photo:

(Photo by me. Frost 2013 my instagram)

And I noticed that when I started taking photos, he did too. I started dancing again while he took photos and I caught him taking a photo of me! I playfully hit him lightly and pouted and he just smiled.

Then another girl comes over, and I got the friend vibe from her (I hope). I kept dancing like I did not notice because I did not want to seem clingy. He can talk to his friends. And I noticed that just about everyone he talked to who he knew, they would kind of look or point towards my direction but he never introduced me.(I know a few guys that I had seen at the underground raves that he invites me to and I know they know each other. This happened a few times. What does that mean? Was I being weird?!?)
After a while, we sat down on the little step behind us while we waited for the last act to get set up. He again offered me the last bit of water. I declined again, because I felt like it was mooching off of him. He then said "Are you sure? I do not want you to faint." and I was like awe, it feels good to have someone give some kind of care for me after everything that has happened in the last few month/weeks. I assured him I knew my limit and I was fine but thank you.  The girl came back. She sat down next to him and they started to chat. I couldn't really hear what they were saying, so I started to play around on my phone. Suddenly, I feel an arm go around my shoulders and I jumped because I did not expect it. The boy had had his arm around me and he was smiling while he said "It's alright." I do not know what he means by that but I just smiled and nodded. I told him I was looking up what time i had to go to work. (If you might know what he meant, could you tell me? Please, I'm confused. Ha ha). So, we all sat there for a while. We were too tired to keep dancing for the last act. He told me he was leaving and gave me a goodbye hug.

So what I was originally talking about. I have finally faced that, those other guys I said I "liked" were just me trying to get over him...I was really trying to get over him so that I do not make our friendship awkward. I also go a text from him but I don't know if it was for me or not. He asked "Hey, are you still near the girl that was on my left." But I was the girl on his left. So I figure he just miss typed and meant right. I wasn't near her anymore so I text him back.

So what do you think about that night? Was he kind of flirting with me or was he just being a good friend? Also you should know, just about all of my friends told him back before he got a girlfriend when we first started talking that I liked him...just fyi.
But I'm confused...I want another person's point of view because all my friends say that he was flirting but I wish they would have been there to see it.

*Blushing*

Roki~

Today.......what do you call it?

So it turns out that boy who had Tada's last name, doesn't. Our teacher can't see.
Second. I sat in the hall outside the room I have Japanese and silently studied. This guy from my class (i don't know his name) asked me to answer some questions for his composition paper. I gladly helped and went back to my spot I was sitting before. This guy then tells me I can some sit by him, boy who doesn't have Tada's last name, and older guy (who is in our class, he's like my dad's age, therefore, he is old guy). So, I gladly go and sit by them. And they all talk, I didn't say much...I should have boy who doesn't have Tada's last name, we will call this boy...uh...the dude. Yeah, the dude. Okay, on with the story, the dude is kind of cute. Today is also The Used concert, only I couldn't go. I had class. In honor of this great band I had to miss again (didn't get to see them on warped tour either), I listened to them all day. This is one of my favorite songs:Buried Myself Alive
It reminds me of the situation with my cousin but I like that song. It is the first time that I noticed that snake bites are super cute :3.
Back to reality, I have been having a low day. Just thinking of my cousin makes me angry but it showed this really ugly side and forgive me. It is not a side I hope to ever voice. I walked away from her and her life angry. She told everyone around me that she was so sad to not have me but then says hateful things to me. She goes on with her life and as far as I can tell, she is happy. I, in my ugly state, wanted/still want her to suffer. I want her to suffer as she made me. I want her to feel the same way when I felt that I wasted my life on her. I want her to feel the hate I have towards how she acts when she is smoking weed. I want her to feel like she lost something that may have been all made up in her mind this whole time. I want her to feel like she is slowly going crazy because she never kept anything from this person and then this realizes how naive she has been. She realizes that other person has kept so many secretes from her. And that promise they made way back a few years ago, is only being kept by one side. And that she can't even tell this person now because of everything that she misses her and wished that her friend never got into drugs. She wishes that she would be still the same person that she would run to when things got bad. She wishes that all the good times weren't feelings of wasted time. She wishes that she could tell her about the problem she has with cutting and how far she's gone to cover it up. And how sometimes...she just needs a hug.
But instead, I fall back into reality. I wipe the tears away and go on with life because that's how it is. You suck it up and take it as it is shoved at you.
I'll be just fine pretending I'm fine.
~~~~Roki~~~~






Let's go back when the world was full of color and not distortion................

Japanese Class

So today was the first day of japanese class. You wouldn't believe who's last name popped up. Let me tell you. Its the same last name of the boy's friend but isnt the same boy. He keeps poping up into my blog, he needs a nickname. Lets call the boy's friend Tada-Kun. So i dont know if i mentioned this before but i got over my feelings for the boy. im very happy to have the boy as a friend but i would like if we talked more. I want to meet Tada too.  I only see him in passing but I hope Tada doesnt think Im weird. See, here is some back story. My cousin had a crush on Tada. She pretty much stalked him throughout high school. I would try to pull her in another direction but she was bad. Im sure he knew she stalked him, just Im sure he didnt know the extent of it. So Im sure he thinks im weird because my cousin and i use to be together 24/7. I just want to be friends with him. I mean he is cute but I dont think i would date him. Haha, its funny to me that i get older and still havent dated anyone. i'll turn 20 years old in june and still never dated. I will find someone when the time is right but Im not going to be desprete like my friends or like my cousin. Im not going to loose myself. Staying true to myself is really all i have right now.
Oh! I almost forgot. In japanese class, I had to stand and bow. Well, i was so nervouse i didnt bow all 30 degrees. A boy in my class was like hey its 30 degrees but thats ok cuz youre acute.
haha, math jokes.
all for now, probably more on wed.
Roki~

oh sorry we wouldnt get out of his house fast enough so you two could fuck! She said bye to my brother but not me. Fuck you! Whoops, he's already doing that.