Stuck in hell vacation till Monday

Soo, pretty much, my fucking family is well mother fuckers and i'm stuck with them till Monday when my flight leaves. Even then I'm still traveling with my fuck up older brother back home. I'm having fucking spazzes since I can't cut myself. I am wanting to drink their drinks that have the liquor in it to maybe see if that will help but I have that stupid internal conflict like "No don't do it! you are straight edge!" and then there is the other side like "Fuck that shit, you are going to kill yourself or your older brother if you don't find something to take the pain." and then there is the fucking touch my crap! LEAVE MY STUFF ALONE! My mom lost my purple bvb bracelet and i looked everywhere for it too. I just about started tearing the condo up. And So I messaged my bff on facebook and put assholes in the message and my older brother seen it and OH SHIT! like i fucking care. I can't keep this act up. I have dropped the act! what you see is me! I am a fucking mess! No, i only dropped one of the walls. the whole killing myself, and seeing how i can do it where ever i go is not known to the public. But i have said wtf to my dad and older brother freaking out that i am on the computer when we are here in Florida. I don't like my family so I don't want to spend time with you. Get that through your fucking head. Do i need to spell it out or was the not listening to what you are say get the message quite clear? they are such a bag of stupid shit. you could tell them the sky is purple and they will believe it (well, you could tell my little brother that the stars are moving when they are not...) I'm thinking of experimenting with knifes tonight. Just hide it under my shirt and then go into the bathroom for a while. lock the doors. I think that will help take some of this crap off. if not that knife will have to find its way to the ocean cuz I considered hitting my older brother over the head with a beer bottle already. See, let me put this picture into view. My older brother and I can't be in the same room. Well, see sunday is when I seen him again since 2 days and i only been with him for an hour and I was ready to kill him. He was already messing with me. I mean fuck you if you got nothing else to do but fucking mess and pick on your younger sister who is mentally unstable (well, he doesn't know I am) I mean fuck him and his man whore-ness. (yeah that's a word now. look it up, you will see my brother's face) I did web cam chat with my bff last night. we are utter dorks but that's not too bad. I wonder what my friends would say if they knew i cut? or the thoughts in my head. I don't know. I know I said I wasn't going to end my life soon, but those thoughts come up alot not. I hardly sleep, let alone dream, and when I do dream, it ends with me dying but I wake up before I die or hit the pavement.

It's just really hard to pretend I'm happy when I clearly am not.

I wish there was a savior

Roki~~~ .......