Crashing, crashing, crashing....

I feel the weight of acting happy all the time now eroding away my body. I don't know how long it will be before I crash and burn into my emotions that I hide and run from. I was having fun today and being truly happy with my two friends but towards the end of the day, that same pain of going home hit me again. I felt bad and didn't want to leave but once that feeling came, I just wanted to be by myself. I went back to acting again. I acted happy. I don't know why I feel so unhappy. I want to be happy but it's not something you can turn off. I run on the treadmill to try to work of some of that unhappiness but I think it damages my little frame even more. I eat maybe one meal a day anyway...Where is my savior? Where is the person I can be honest too that won't judge me no matter what I do? As of now, I have no Savior and I don't believe in a God. I have myself. Maybe that's all I need right now. Just me. I think I will try to just relax for the rest of the night after I'm done with all my work around the house. I guess. Reality is too much for me I guess. I will play Bulletproof Roulette like I have since 4 years ago. Maybe some day, this game will end