I tell others that I never look at death as an option when I am upset. It was a lie. I told them I have never hurt myself. Its a lie and now, that girl, who smiles and acts cheerful all the time is showing her true colors but no one will see them because this girl chooses to let everyone see that cheerful side. I have come to realize, I'm a big lair but I don't want people to worry. I guess its my dark secrete, so blogger world, i'm sharing this with you. I never have even told my best and closest friend who I talk to every day. She would be sad if she knew I have hurt myself before and there is a faint scare on my arm that i cover with band rubber bands. I now have done it again, very faintly on my left arm with some scissors. Its not that I hate myself, its that I can't get over this feeling of hurting someone else because they are hurting me. It helps me feel better, now i just sound crazy huh? All the people I look up to would be disappointed at me as well. I am just being a hippocratic and what is funny is I hate hippocratic people. I guess, I just can't be myself if I'm stuck in this shit whole called my house. I just told my friend that I was seeing some early signs of depression in me but I didn't tell her i started seeing those signs last november...It would hurt her too much if I told her the truth I think. Great, I now sound like a little emo kid. I can assure you I look nothing of a little emo kid (Emo kids are my friends ^-^ so don't be shy, say hi!) I don't know really...I guess, I'm just.....I have thought about what people's lives would be like if I were to die, and I see them as being way better off. My parents would have more money, they wouldn't pay for part of my college, they wouldn't have to feed me or take care of me, one less person to pay for at the theme parks and when we go out to eat. I think its funny that no one around me knows any of this but yet the whole world can see it and not know this is me. So work 40 hours a week or do all the work my mom does (cook, cleaning, etc. what I do now) I don't have the answer to life and Im not perfect. If anything I'm a smiling mask here to help others. but for now, i'm that girl who you find out "oh wow, she hurts herself? really? no way. not her" It will stay a secrete till the day I die. which will not bee soon. I will keep fighting this, and will have my break downs but I think i can get through this without telling my parents or close friend all of what i think of.
So long
and good night
because
each line drawn is another story
each line is connected in someway to form a picture
each picture is an old memory
I just have to find my story in the mess of lines i have created
Or be destroyed in the making. I don't believe in a God, but that doesn't mean he isn't out there.
~Roki~ xxxxxxxxx
No comments:
Post a Comment