Catch up....

Wow, that last post from may? me and the boy talked a lot in june. we would talk everyday for at least 2 hours. he would tell me sweet dreams and that i was cool. he found me at warped tour just to hug me and say hi. i was getting the guts to tell him how i felt until the horrible post came that he found a girlfriend. i was crushed but sucked it up. now we dont talk at all execpt every now and then when a rave comes up. another thing i do now. i dance and with others but not like that. i dont dance on them like that. he come to be a friend and i hope to see him more but i dont want him to miss take me wanti g to hang out with him with me in love with him. see, my friends all told him i liked him. so im careful with what i say or do around him. I still dont drink nor smoke. i wont do that. i cry so much while im by myself at night though. i know. it only makes me weak and dumb. my friend/cousin went off to ku. my dad kicked me out of the house multiple times. my cousin became enimies with her roomate/old best friend. they made up just a few weeks ago. i fight people now. my older brother shows a little more respect now that ive proven i can fight and im not all talk. im still cutting. at warped tour, my friend pointed out the cuts. i easily lied telling him "i have nothing to be sad about with all my friends." he believed it. as did all the others. now that its cold. i can hide under a hoodie and never be caught. my cousin. left me at a rave to go fuck a 30yr oldshes only 18. im not talking to her at all now. and she let my younger brother come drunk.  so he ended up making me and the boy feel awkward because my brother told the boy(who has a girlfriend) i like him a lot. and almost got us kicked out because they were disrespecting others. so im not talking to my brother either. so thats two bffs gone. then i find out my best friend of 14 years is leaving me in kansas to go live in Louisiana. Ive cried so much the last cew days but i would never tell her that. she is happy to be going, so being a good friend, im pretending to be happy. the third best friend gone. im left with no one this year. nothing but these scars on my arms and a list of people i dont trust. did i mention that my parents are back to fighting again. im in this war zone now with out a support group. my grandma cant remember the old days or that she was my only support group left. and now im left with no one. i lie to keep others out of my business and i distance myself from others. how can i trust anyone when ive had friends like my brother and cousin. both their second time doing that. i hope she is happy with that boy since she lost me. i dont have much left in me to keep pushing but im too much of a coward to die. i think i may have mmessed things up with a boy from hot topic. he seems to like me too but he has a girlfriend im pretty sure is what i heard him tell his friend. i only see him at college and at hot topic. we dont have each others name nor phone number. oh well....im off to bed. sorry for typos im on my phone.
i hope you have a good day though and smile for me, since i cant right now
Roki~